HOW TO REMAIN CALM UNDER PRESSURE AND OVERCOME PROBLEMS

Here are some tips on how to stay positive and motivated when times get tough and you face problems. If you want to learn how to overcome your problems and stay motivated, keep reading…

1) DON’T BLAME OTHERS
To be your own turnaround specialist, to take complete control over your life in a crisis, the first thing you must do is to accept 100% responsibility for yourself and for everything that happens from this minute forward.

Accept responsibility and take charge. You especially must keep yourself positive and focused. You do this by reminding yourself and repeating these words:

‘‘I am responsible! I am responsible! I am responsible!’’
Above all, refuse to blame anyone for anything. Anger and negative emotions of all kinds are dependent upon blame for their very existence. As soon as you stop blaming other people for what has happened and take responsibility for the future, your negative emotions cease, your mind becomes calm and clear, and you begin to make better decisions.

As soon as you stop blaming other people for what has happened and take responsibility for the future, your negative emotions cease, your mind becomes calm and clear, and you begin to make better decisions.

2) HOW TO REMAIN CALM UNDER PRESSURE
The starting point of staying calm under pressure is for you to refuse to react automatically and unthinkingly. Instead, take a deep breath to calm your mind and then think carefully about your next words and actions. Imagine that everyone is watching.

Imagine that everyone is watching. Imagine that this situation is a test to see what you are truly made of. Imagine that everyone is waiting to see how you will respond.

Resolve to set a good example, to be a role model for others, to demonstrate the correct way to deal with a major problem, as if you were giving a lesson.

3) GET THE FACTS
Instead of overreacting, keep yourself calm by asking questions of the other people involved. Listen patiently to the answers.

If there is a solution, your job is to find it by fully understanding what has happened before you respond.

4) ASK QUESTIONS
Ask key questions and listen carefully to the answers. Here are some that will help you get at the facts: What is the situation exactly?

What is the situation exactly?
What has happened?
How did it happen?
When did it happen?
Where did it happen?
What are the facts?
How do we know that these facts are accurate?
Who was involved?
Who is responsible for doing (or not doing) certain things?
The very act of asking questions and gathering facts keeps you calm and increases your courage and confidence.

The more facts you have, the stronger and more capable you will feel about making good decisions to solve the problem and get through the crunch.

5) WRITE IT DOWN
Begin by asking, ‘‘What, exactly, is the problem?’’ If you are working by yourself, write down a clear statement of the problem on a piece of paper.

We find that if you can get the problem down on paper it starts to solve itself. Then write down what all of the possible solutions to the problem.

You will find that when you write out your problem and solutions, you will be able to identify the best way to solve it quickly. It may not seem like a problem at all after you write it down.

6) TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT
By trying something different or taking a different approach to solving a problem. You may find a new, more beneficial way to go about things.

When something fails, by taking a different approach and solving what went wrong the first time, will help you improve over the long run.

7) COMMUNICATE WITH OTHERS
Sometimes, talking over the problem with a spouse or trusted friend will help immensely to keep you calm and controlled. Go for a long walk and review the situation, examining it from every angle, seeking a possible solution. Remain optimistic, no matter what is going on.

Look for something good in the problem or situation. Very often, what appears to be a major setback is an opportunity in disguise. The complete failure of a project, process, or business venture may be exactly what you need because it may compel you to channel your time and resources in another direction.

8) MAKE A DECISION
No matter what happens, seek the valuable lesson in every difficulty and setback.

Within every problem you face, there is the seed of an equal or greater benefit or advantage. When you discipline yourself to look for the good in the situation, and to seek the valuable lessons that the situation or crisis might contain, you automatically remain calm, positive, and optimistic.

As a result, all the powers of your wonderful mind remain available to you to solve the problem or resolve the crisis.

9) GET BUSY SOLVING THE PROBLEM
Get so busy taking action that and solving the problem and bringing about a solution, that you don’t have time to worry or think about the problem anymore. The only real antidote to worry, is purposeful action in the direction of your goals.

Instead of becoming upset or doubting yourself and your abilities, decide to take action, any action, to resolve the difficulty and get yourself through the crunch. Remind yourself that problems come not to obstruct, but to instruct

CONCLUSION
When times get tough and you are faced with any of life’s complicated problems, stay motivated knowing that using this technique you can recognize and develop strategies to solve any problem

Next movie star africa- Davies

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Davies is the name you can vote as many times as possible in a day after every 3hours your vote counts

WORRY NOT

 It’s time to rise to wisdom.

When living out our daily lives, it’s often easy to look around and blame the world for our problems. Common complaints include:

The poor economy is making me unable to live comfortably.
My relationship with my spouse is putting a strain on my work performance. I’m constantly treated poorly by friends and family.
While it’s true that there are things in the outside world we can’t control, the biggest difference between two people is simply their reaction towards it. Having understood this for a while, I’ve often asked the question, “How?”

How is it possible to change your reaction to a particular event or situation? So why should you stop complaining? Here are three reasons that I believe—if you truly understand them—will help you move forward and live a less stressful life:

1. The world owes you nothing
It really is true! The world really does have nothing to do with you or anyone else on this planet. There are no rules beyond societal expectations, and it’s up to you to make something of the chaos that is the natural order. The planet will continue to exist without you on it, which—as depressing as it sounds—should also provide you with excitement and a first glimpse of the reality of what your life should truly be about.

Through this, questions start to emerge such as: “If the world is irrelevant, who’s in charge of my life?” And, “What happens to my life from this point forward?”

You suddenly start to realize that while we were nurtured and looked after as kids, this really isn’t the case once we’re an adult. The world doesn’t provide us with the same blanket of comfort as our carers once did, which only means one thing: It’s up to us to provide that blanket for ourselves and no one else. Which brings me on to the second reason…

2. You are in charge of your own life
If you look back at your own life, you’ll begin to realize that everything you have ever done up to the present moment was all a result of the decisions you’ve made. Sure there may have been people around you who have convinced you to do some of the things you may have done. But it all ultimately depends on your decisions and no one elses: So who’s really to blame?

You really do have the control. Suddenly, there is no one else to blame but yourself.

You begin to see that amongst everything that’s happening around you, what you have is a blank canvas. Suddenly, your hopes and dreams aren’t dreams at all but are within the realm of possibility.

What are your dreams? What are your hopes and goals for the future? Do you have a plan? Start to think about what it might be and remind yourself daily that it’s all up to you to make things happen.

3. You can’t be a leader if you behave like a victim
Would you rather live a life with rules, or lead a life that is governed by you? I’m certain the answer is simple.

It’s really easy to put blame on things that are external to you, as it avoids personal responsibility and allows you to refuse the possibility that you may have things that can be changed. So what can you change?

Being a leader in your life takes courage and requires the willingness to face your fears, experience failure, and take complete personal responsibility of everything that happens to you. It will break away your ego yet build a new one: one of strength of character, humility, and humbleness.

I challenge you to turn the mirror on yourself and to ask yourself the following question:

“How and what can I now do to turn my life around?”

You have no one else but you to make it happen

STEPPING OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONES

1. Face your fears. But do it in small steps.
This is one of the best ways to overcome fears and get out of your comfort zone. What holds us back in our zone of comfort is often a fear or that facing that fear straight on might be overwhelming. This is a solution to those two problems. It allows you to stretch your comfort zone slowly making it less uncomfortable and frightening.
If you’re for instance nervous socially you might not feel able to ask people out on dates right away. The fear of being rejected and that others might think less of you if you get turned down can make many of us feel unable to ask the question.
So you take small steps instead. Steps like first just saying hi to people. Or starting to talk more to people online via forums and Instant Messaging. And then trying to be more involved in conversations at work or in school to exercise your conversation-muscles.
I guess one could say that you gradually de-sensitize yourself to social situations or whatever you are afraid of. Or, seeing it in a more motivating light, that you are building courage and expanding your comfort zone in this part of your life (which is something that often seeps over to other areas of life too.)
So, identify your fear. Then make a plan with some smaller steps you can take to gradually lessen your discomfort.
2. Try something weird.
One obvious way to move out of your comfort zone is to do something new. But a more interesting option might be to think of doing something weird. When you choose something new you may choose something that is line with your personality. So your experiences can become limited. Instead, choose something that’s out of character for you. Something that isn’t you as you are right now. Something that you – and/or the people close to you – wouldn’t think that you would do.
3. Make a new acquaintance.
This will expose your to new experiences, opinions and interests. And it’s not just about meeting new people the usual way. Try just picking up a biography about someone you know nothing about. Start reading a book from a writer you haven’t read before. Read about a random topic at Wikipedia. Or add an unexpected RSS-feed about something you normally never read about.
4. Take a friend with you.
In general, it’s often easier to not go it alone. And this applies to many situations. Including when you are going for the emotional bungee jump that getting out of your comfort zone can be.I’d say this probably the most popular way to get yourself out of comfort zones. If you are going to a party where you know few people then it may be easier to bring a friend. If you have decided to start going to the gym it might be easier to actually get going and keeping going there every week if you have a gym-partner.
However, there are potential downsides to bringing friends too. If you are at the party with your friend then you might not meet and get to know that many new people. If you are going to the gym with a partner it might lead to the two of you talking and focusing less on getting a great workout.
5. Educate yourself.
Your comfort zone might be protecting your from imaginary dangers. Maybe things aren’t as difficult or scary as you imagine? Do a bit of research. Getting some good information can dissipate quite a bit of your fear and nervousness.
Do a bit of Googling. Read books and blogs. Ask someone who has been there before. By reading/hearing about what others that have done the same thing you are about to do saw, heard, felt and did you can not only lessen negative feelings but also get some very valuable and practical tips.
6. Awash your mind with positive memories.
Realise it can be fun to get out of your comfort zone despite what your mind and feelings might be telling you before you get started. Think back to the previous times when you have broken out of your comfort zone. Focus on the positive memories, when you got out there, when you took a chance. And it wasn’t so bad, it was actually fun and exciting and something new to you.
A lot of times we automatically play back our negative experiences – or negative interpretations of events – in our minds before we are about to do something. And we forget about the positive memories and our previous, positive achievements. Avoid that trap. Let the good memories flow through your mind instead and let things become easier.
7. Use other methods to pump yourself up.
Besides remembering positive memories, there are a whole bunch of things you can do to pump up your emotional state temporarily. Here is a small list of such tips within in this list:
Use Music. Listen to uplifting and motivational music.
Use Your Body. How you use your body affects how you feel. Move in a confident way and you’ll soon feel more confident. Move in an excited way and you’ll soon feel more excited.
Use Your Imagination. Close your eyes. Visualize how great everything will unfold. How wonderful and excited you will feel. This is a whole lot more useful than seeing in your mind how everything will turn out badly.
Use Guided Meditation. I like Talking to Win and Self-Esteem Supercharger by Learning Strategies. They are useful for giving you a positive boost for a couple of days.
Are you stuck in a comfort zone?

Cries of a perfectionist (Part3)

Cont’d of perfectionist

Today I will discuss the causes of negative perfectionism   I have narrowed it down to 10
What are they?

(1)Excessive praise:
Children who grow up in an environment where they were excessively praised grow up feeling pressured to maintain that standard. They grow up to feel valued based on some accomplishment. Like a teacher or coach–heaps too much praise on a child for their perfect test score or school work, it can create an unhealthy need in the child. The child may expect balloons and standing ovations after every performance, and beat himself/herself up whenever he/she falls short.

(2) Excessive criticism:
Children who were put down can grow up struggling to achieve a certain level of perfection in order to feel worthy and accepted. They spend their time working to achieve perfection as their self-worth depends on it.

(3)Childhood trauma:
Many survivors of childhood trauma are prone to becoming perfectionists as adults. They have a strong need to control every aspect of their lives especially how others perceive them. They set ridiculously high demands on themselves because this is how they prove that they are valuable.

(4) Children whose parents exhibited perfectionist behaviours:
Children whose parents are very successful feel pressured to live up to the standards and expectations of their parents.   When children see their parents working doggedly on projects, Coming   home late, taking work home, not taking holidays, working weekends, paying desperate attention to detail, they are likely to internalize the message: “Everything must be perfect.”  Likewise, if a parent hovers over a child, correcting each tiny mistake, the child learns that no error is insignificant; they learn to “sweat the small stuff.”  In short, a mother and father can inadvertently raise a perfectionist by modelling perfectionist behaviour.

(5)Children are not taught that mistakes are part of life:
Our perfectionism also grew out of the fact that as children we didn’t learn that mistakes were a natural and acceptable part of life. We didn’t learn that errors were to be honoured because they offer a chance to learn to live comfortably  in the middle ground between success and failure — where most people live most of the time.

(6) The famous Low self-esteem:
Someone who suffers from low self-esteem works relentlessly to achieve perfection in order to compensate for feelings of inferiority.

(7) Fear of failure:
When you fear failure or making mistakes it can make you to overcompensate by exaggerating your efforts to achieve. You will want to make sure all the Ts are crossed and all the dots are in the right places even if it takes forever.

(8) A society where there is lots of competition:
A highly competitive society makes demands on us. It creates the mind-set of having to be the best. That if we are not the best in anything we have no place in society….Once this mind-set becomes an obsession, tendencies of perfectionism can follow.

(9)  Media:
Media has a large part to play in making us wanting to have the perfect body, by bombarding us daily with impeccable dressed models, photo shopped actors and so on… We are constantly plagued with these images, we then have a certain mind-set that we must have a perfect body to look healthy, acceptable, beautiful and so on, as a result we suffer from eating disorders…( anorexia and bulimia) , we over exercise  and might go down the  cosmetic surgery route  just to have the perfect body.

(10) Genetics:
Studies suggest that some people may simply be genetically predisposed to strive for perfection.

Food for thought
Many people who struggle with perfectionism possess a core belief that their value is directly related to their accomplishments or the approval of others.  They tend to have a strong desire to please others and a fear of disapproval, as their self-esteem is dependent on external standards

THE CRIES OF A PERFECTIONIST (part2)

 Continuation of perfectionism

What are they?

(1)It leads to a constant sense of failure
Perfectionists tend to focus on the flaws rather than the achievement. So no matter how well a task is done, there is always a sense of failure that it wasn’t done even better. An example is completing a lovely project but focusing on the rough edges…

(2) It leads to procrastination and lowered output
Instead of taking the first step to start a new project, you are plagued by the overwhelming anxiety of not meeting the standards, so you don’t make a move at all. You take forever to begin something because you don’t want to make a mistake along the way. Too much attention to detail can overwhelm you to the point of leaving a project incomplete until time forces its pressure to perform. It might take you twice as long tofinish a project, in fear of producing anything less than perfect. As a result you miss deadlines and the process of achievement is normally full of terror and pain.

(3) It leads to missed opportunities.
Waiting for all the ducks to line up so they can make the first move… Now is never the perfect time or moment, because of that perception of life they choose to stick to working jobs they have no passion for, despite their superb skills, rather than actively using them to push toward their ambitions.

When they are not open to new experiences, they miss out on a lot of opportunities to discover new interests, people, and passions. When they are closed off, these limits they place upon themselves bring unnecessary stress and make them miss out on what life has to offer. More importantly, it reduces opportunities for creativity.

(4)It affects their children
Imagine the pressure a perfectionist puts of their children drumming in their ears or in other ways that anything short from perfection is not good enough by focusing on the stuff they get wrong rather than what they do right.

(5)They never learn from their mistakes
One side effect of a perfectionist attitude is a terror of making mistakes. Mistakes equate with failure to a perfectionist. So either they don’t acknowledge and learn from their mistakes or they simply don’t make them. But the only way not to make mistakes is to limit what they do – thus limiting themselves and their growth as a person.

(6)Stress and Anxiety
It makes you unhappy when you don’t need to be. You become drained by excess stress when you try to complete a task with anything less than perfection as the acceptable standard. When you’re under heavy amounts of stress, the anxiety can take over, robbing you of your sleep at night by over thinking. You can become so worried about things outside of your control that pose a threat to reaching perfection, or beat yourself up over minor setbacks because you can’t help but perceive them as a personal failure. This can cause burn out, irritable bowelsyndrome (IBS), high blood pressure and stress related diseases all in the name of wanting to be perfect….

(7) Low self esteem
Since perfectionist tends to believe that everything can come out perfectly with their own hands, they will damage themselves when failure comes. They may think negative things about themselves and bring themselves down. Perfectionists are like birds that fly so high when the weather is great but when a sudden outpour of rain comes, the bird will stop flying and look for trees to shield them from the rain. Perfectionists fly high when great projects are being done but when a failure comes, they fly down, get wet and find it hard to fly high again because they have lost self-esteem.
Food for thought
Being a perfectionist is not wrong at all if you use it in a proper and positive way. Extreme perfectionism will bring consequences that you wouldn’t like to experience. If you notice that your being a perfectionist stresses you, then it is time for you to start changing. Use perfectionism in a good way for you will be happy to see the result of it.

PERFECTIONISM

The cries of a perfectionist
Perfectionism is often mistaken for ‘being perfect’ or ‘doing something perfectly’. Many people assume that it must be a good thing. Other people think of being a perfectionist as being something negative and embarrassing. So is it a good or a bad thing?

What is Perfectionism?
Perfectionism is a set of self-defeating thought patterns that push you to try to achieve unrealistically high goals. Perfectionism involves putting pressure on yourself to meet high standards which then powerfully influences the way you think about yourself. Researchers have shown that parts of perfectionism are   helpful, and parts are unhelpful. They are called adaptive and maladaptive perfectionism.

Adaptive perfectionists: work on developing their skills. Their standards are always rising, and they approach work with optimism, pleasure, and a desire to improve. This is clearly a healthy type of perfectionism.

Maladaptive perfectionists:   however, are never satisfied with what they achieve. If something isn’t perfect, they dismiss it. They may experience fear of failure, doubt, unhappiness, and other painful emotions.

It’s important to understand the difference between maladaptive perfectionism and a healthy quest for success. Maladaptive perfectionists see mistakes as unacceptable, as they think that these lead others to see them as incompetent.    By contrast, people striving for excellence in a healthy way see mistakes as an opportunity to grow; they understand that mistakes are part of the learning process, and they accept them.

We would agree that it is generally a good idea to have high standards. Having goals helps you achieve things in life. BUT when these goals are either unachievable or only achievable at great cost, it makes it very difficult to feel good about yourself. This is when perfectionism can be problematic
This series will be dealing with the problematic side of perfectionism …. It will be in 4 parts today we will take a look at the traits of a perfectionist, the next part I will discuss the effects of perfectionisms, then I will go on to look at the causes of perfectionism and finally I will discuss ways to stop perfectionism from ruining our lives.

What are the traitsof a perfectionist I have narrowed it down to 9
(1)You’ve always eager to please.
This normally starts from childhood when you were young you want to please your parents and your teachers by getting an A+ anything short from an A.. Will send you into bout of depression… even if it is a B more frustrating…

(2) Your drive for perfection is costing you a lot and you consider that is the price you have to pay.
If you are someone who will go to great length often unhealthy lengths to avoid average or mediocre and who takes no pain no gain view in pursuit of success…. Then you are a perfectionist…
Note perfectionists are not normally high achievers but it’s most times tied down to workaholic…
“[The perfectionist] acknowledges that his relentless standards are stressful and somewhat unreasonable, but he believes they drive him to levels of excellence and productivity he could never attain otherwise,” Burns writes.

(3) Procrastinate.
A perfectionist is a creature of procrastination, always waiting for the ducks to line up before taking the plunge… waiting for the perfect time to be right, perfect moment that all the pieces of the puzzle are at their fingertips… chasing perfection only sets them up for disappointments…the fear of failure is one of the major reasons for procrastination.

(4) You’re highly critical of others.
A perfectionist applies unrealistic standards in others, they are highly critical and hard to please, like walking on eggshells when people are around them… they are rigid, judgemental, they expect one to be perfect in all ways…. In a nutshell they reject in others what they hate about themselves…

(5) All or nothing mind-set.
“If I can’t do something perfectly then there is no point even trying”
Many perfectionists struggle with black-and-white thinking — you’re a success one moment and a failure the next, based on your latest accomplishment or failure — and they do things in extremes. If you have perfectionist tendencies, you’ll probably only throw yourself into a new project or task if you know there’s a good chance you can succeed — and if there’s a risk of failure, you’ll likely avoid it altogether.

(6) You take everything personally.
Because they take every setback and criticism personally, perfectionists tend to be less resilient than others. Rather than bouncing back from challenges and mistakes, the perfectionist is beaten down by them, taking every misstep as evidence for the truth of their deepest, continually plaguing fear: “I’m not good enough.”

(7) Get really defensive when criticized.
A perfectionist jumps to defend his or her self  at the slightest hint of criticism even when it is not needed… it is a way  of preserving  their fragile self-image and the way they appear to others… in a nutshella perfectionist tries to take control against any threat  to their so called EGO– even when NO defence is needed.

(8) Never quite “there yet.”
A perfectionist focuses and is consumed on what he has not accomplished… perfection is an impossible pursuit and with a perfectionist they are never there yet…. Because of this theydrive constantly to out-do themselves…

(9) Outcome orientated as opposed to process.
You don’t enjoy the process of learning and working; you only care about the result.

Food for thought
Being a perfectionist doesn’t necessarily mean you have unrelenting high standards in every area of your life, although this may be the case for some people. It is possible to be a perfectionist in one area of your life (e.g., at work) but not in another area of your life (e.g., grooming)

Healthy Boundaries

What does it mean to set healthy boundaries?

Think of boundaries as rules and principles you live by when you say what you will or won’t do or allow in your life.  Life can’t exist without boundaries, even with your nearest and dearest like your kids, partners, parents and so on…..

If you have difficulty saying no, override your needs to please others,bothered by someone who is demanding, controlling, criticizing, pushy, abusive, invasive, pleading, or even smothering you with kindness, allowing or enduring unwanted touch,  it’s your responsibility to speak up.  Everyone has experienced boundary violations and this is why this topic is important for all of us

Healthy boundaries are meant to help us find safety.  It outlines where our mental, emotional, physical space ends, and where another person’s may begin.

When we have healthy boundaries, we take responsibility for our needs, thoughts, and feelings, and we allow others to have their own needs, thoughts, and feelings, without taking responsibility or needing to somehow change them.  When we honour our boundaries, we set limits, and take adult responsibility for our experiences.

Why should you care about healthy boundaries?

Setting boundaries is essential if we want to be both physically and emotionally healthy. Strong boundaries help maintain balance, self-respect and allow us to be interdependent in intimate relationships and life in general. A lack of boundaries is like leaving the door to your home wide open, anyone, including welcome and un-welcome guests can walk in without hesitation. Having rigid boundaries leads to loneliness and isolation and is akin to living in a fortress with no opening in sight.

Types of personal boundaries:

(1)Physical boundaries

Physical boundaries can include your body, your home, your work space, your purse or wallet etc.

These are the literal lines we draw when it comes to our physical interaction with others.

This could be about physically touching someone (a hug, hand shake, physical proximity when talking, etc.).

But also about the rules we have when spending time with someone (where, how long, and what to do or not do). It could be us determining if and how we will share our physical body and presence with others.

Examples: “It is not ok with me that you treat me this way”, “I am not ok being around you if you are going to behave this way”, or ” I do not feel comfortable sitting this close.”

(2)Spiritual Boundaries

Can we allow others to have their chosen spiritual life (or lack thereof), without feeling the need to change them, convince them of their wrongness, be aggressive, force, manipulate or judge them to see things differently?

When spiritual boundaries are weak or non existence it is so easy to engage with people or a person and get into an argument that you cannot win, or even be persuaded or manipulated into their belief system that may not be best for you. To have good spiritual boundaries you won’t need to be manipulated into a belief. You will learn more about it and decide whether this is something important to you.

Protecting your spiritual beliefs can be simply deciding who you talk to about your beliefs and spiritual practices how you allow others to interact with you regarding your/their beliefs.

The spiritual  boundaries we set for ourselves begins with our core values. These core values create who we are and what we do on a daily basis. Our true identity is built by what we decide we are going to believe over a lifetime. These central beliefs shape our choices in jobs, fun and even our mate.

(3)Emotional Boundaries-

These areas of boundaries protect our feelings. Our emotional boundaries include how we allow others to treat us, whether our emotions are respected & honoured, and how we treat others in return. This area of boundaries is also about protecting how others talk to us individually (name calling/put downs).

Healthy emotional boundaries serve two very good purposes. They keep us from imposing our emotions on other people, dumping endlessly on anyone who will listen to us (and then regretting it later). Emotional boundaries help us handle our feelings in appropriate ways.

Emotional boundaries also keep us from taking on the emotions of others who are spewing their emotional garbage… It also  what protect us from being manipulated by others through guilt and shame and fear. They help us not take on responsibility for someone else’s emotions.

(4)Mental Boundaries

This defines our thoughts and opinions allowing us to choose what we think about and to stop ourselves from thinking about other things.  Additionally, as we form opinions, we have freedom in how we analyse a situation, what information we integrate into this assessment, and what our resulting opinion will be.  Regardless of whether or not someone agrees with our opinion, it is ours to have and creates a distinction between us and someone else in our lives.  Maintaining your own opinion or value about something is one of the components that make you a unique and distinct person. These boundaries also enable us to reject thoughts and opinions being forced on us that are contrary to our belief system.

When you are talking to another person with intact mental boundaries, you can share opinions back and forth and have great discussions. No one feels forced to agree with the other person. No one is told their ideas are silly or stupid. However, there are forceful people who are not content to simply share ideas, or have a meeting of the minds. Instead, they (overtly or covertly) demand that you agree with them. They don’t even like it if you “agree to disagree.”

(5)Sexual boundaries

Sexual boundaries include boundaries about your sexuality, body, who touches you intimately (or how they touch you), comments that are sexual in nature, what your level of comfortability is with sexual behaviours, and how comfortable you feel touching others.  Sometimes we tend to think of sexual boundary violations as simply being coerced into sexual behaviours against our will.  While this is one aspect of a sexual boundary being violated, other examples include:  someone making sexual innuendos or comments that feel inappropriate, uncomfortable, or disrespectful;  sexual glances or having someone look at you in a sexual way that feels uncomfortable;  being sexualized or objectified in the workplace or by a friend or stranger;  having a working relationship with a professional (doctor, therapist, or health care professional) who uses the intimate nature of the professional relationship to lure a client into a sexual relationship, having a sexual partner coerce you into sexual acts that you feel uncomfortable with;  or receiving sexual emails, text messages or phone calls that are inappropriate and suggestive sexually.  These are only a few of the many ways our boundaries can be violated sexually.

Food for thought

“Good fences make good neighbours.”  Frost’s poem Mending Wa

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Come and watch @angryowerriman perform a stage drama titled “Our Hope” @Imo Concord Hotel Owerri,18th Nov 2016, 5pm.

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7 practical ways to be in the present moment of recession

(1)Surrender during challenging times
To surrender is to accept the present moment unconditionally and without reservationThis means that there is no judgment of the Now no mental labelling. Therefore, there is no resistance, no emotional negativity. You accept the “isness” of this moment. Then you take action and do all that you can to get out of the situation… like you are stuck in a job you don’t like, bad relationship and so on… Ask yourself, “Is there anything I can do to change the situation, improve it, or remove myself from it?” If so, you take appropriate action. Focus not on the 100 things that you will or may have to do at some future time but on the one thing that you can do now. This doesn’t mean you should not do any planning. It may well be that planning is the one thing you can do now.
But make sure you don’t start to run “mental movies,” project yourself into the future, and so lose the Now. Any action you take may not bear fruit immediately. Until it does – do not resist what is.

(2)Do not identify with your thoughts:
The fruit of negative feelings is endless ignorance and suffering….. Most thoughts of the past and future create anger, frustration, worry, jealousy, anxiousness.   Once we wallow in those feelings we create negative feelings… we should keep reminding ourselves about the quote above…   “The fruit of negative feelings is endless ignorance and suffering”You are not your thoughts… identifying with them and keeping the process alive through compulsive thinking only makes you unhappy… once you bear that in mind… It helps you focus on the present..

(3) Forgive past hurts.
If you are harbouring resentment towards another human being because of past hurts, choose to forgive and move on. The harm was their fault. But allowing it to impact your mood today is yours.You cannot truly forgive yourself or others as long as you derive your sense of self from the past. Only through accessing the power of the Now, which is your own power, can there be true forgiveness. This renders the past powerless

(4)Awareness mindfulness:
Everything starts from awareness.  My motto is “Awareness is the key”. Practice your awareness. Practice it every day and everywhere. Look around you and just be aware of something, anything. Make use of your 5 senses notice the colours,touch,smell, wind, texture etc. The senses are gateways to the present. Spend some time everyday doing this. While you are on the bus, walking the dog, washing the dishes, eating your lunch. Just observe and be aware. While doing it keep your mind on what you are doing instead of thinking about the bills that you have to pay, or the phone call you need to make when you get to the office. you are simply living in the moment.

(5)Breathing meditation:
Breathing is another gateway. Sometimes being conscious of two or three full breaths is enough to anchor your mind in the present. When I say conscious I mean putting your awareness on it. Feel it as if you are one with it.

(6)Acceptance:
We all have pain in our lives, whether it’s the ex we still long for, the loss of a job or money, or the sudden wave of anxiety when we get up to give a speech. If we let them, such irritants can distract us from the enjoyment of life. Paradoxically, the obvious response—focusing on the problem in order to combat and overcome it—often makes it worse.  The mind’s natural tendency when faced with pain is to attempt to avoid it—by trying to resist unpleasant thoughts, feelings, and sensations. When we lose a love, for instance, we fight our feelings of heartbreak. As we get older, we work feverishly to recapture our youth.   But in many cases, negative feelings and situations can’t be avoided—and resisting them only magnifies the pain. The problem is we have not just primary emotions but also secondary ones—emotions about other emotions. We get stressed out and then think, “I wish I  weren’t so stressed out.” The primary emotion is stress over your workload. The secondary emotion is feeling, “I hate being stressed.”  It doesn’t have to be this way. The solution is acceptance—letting the emotion be there. That is, being open to the way things are in each moment without trying to manipulate or change the experience—without judging it, clinging to it, or pushing it away. The present moment can only be as it is. Trying to change it only frustrates and exhausts you. Acceptance relieves you of this needless extra suffering.  Suppose you’ve just broken up with your girlfriend or boyfriend; you’re heartbroken, overwhelmed by feelings of sadness and longing. You could try to fight these feelings, essentially saying, “I hate feeling this way; I need to make this feeling go away.” But by focusing on the pain—being sad about being sad—you
Only prolong the sadness. You do yourself a favour by accepting your feelings, saying instead, “I’ve just had a breakup. Feelings of loss are normal and natural.  It’s OK for me to feel this way.” Embrace the feeling.

(7)Don’t assume you know it:
when you are in autopilot mode you tend to forget what you did the last 15 minutes or so, especially if you have been taken the same route, doing the same job, talking to the same people, reading a book … your mind is somewhere else never in the present moment… when asked a question, you can’t even remember what you did or read….    As a result, life passes you by without registering on you. The best way to avoid such blackouts is to develop the habit of always noticing new things in whatever situation you’re in. That process creates engagement with the present moment and releases a cascade of other benefits. Noticing new things puts you emphatically in the here and now.   if we see the world with fresh eyes, we realize almost everything is different each time— the pattern of light on the buildings, the faces of the people, even the sensations and feelings we experience along the way. Noticing imbues each moment with a new, fresh quality. Some people have termed this “beginner’s mind.”

Food for thought
John Lennon once said, “Life is what’s happening while we’re busy making other plans,” our children are busy growing up, the people we love are moving away and dying, our bodies are getting out of shape, and our dreams are slipping away. In short, we miss out on life. Many people live as if life were a dress rehearsal for some later date. It isn’t. In fact, no one has a guarantee that he or she will be here tomorrow. Now is the only time we have, and the only time that we have any control over.