DEBBY creations in conjunction with JULIETPEARL skills and acquisition invites you to one month Empowerment program where people will be trained on different skills like: Hotel management, Bead making, Wig making, Make up, Gele, Cake making, Small Chops, Cocktail drinks and many more. Venue: no 512, Ikorodu road Ile -Ile bus stop Ketu Lagos.
Date: 31 July -31 August. Time: 9 am -2pm FEE: #5000.
There is nothing wrong in saying NO (Healthy boundaries) Part 2
Healthy boundaries in a nutshell are the imaginary lines we draw around ourselves to maintain balance and protect our bodies, minds, emotions, and time from the behaviour or demands of others.
They provide the framework to keep us from being used or manipulated by others, and they allow us to confidently express who we are and what we want in life.
Personal boundaries allow us to be in the driver’s seat of our own lives. I also defined the 5 types of personal boundaries which are physical, mental, Spiritual, sexual, emotional….
(1)Frustration and resentment
When you do not have healthy boundaries you continually feel like you are being pushed around. You feel irritable, resentful, frustrated and the reason for feeling this way may not be obvious in the beginning.
On closer inspection you may find that someone has assumed that you will drop everything to go along with his/her plans and you realise your frustration is related to being taken for granted, a typical feeling experienced when your boundaries are not set. Setting boundaries means taking care of your needs before you can assist your friends and family members.
(2)Being used as a doormat
When you have poor boundaries you often feel taken advantage of, used or that your desires are unimportant. The result of unclear boundaries and others not knowing where they stand with you is that there is a much greater risk of being used as a doormat. It need not be malicious but if you never say no to anyone then you can understand that they will continue to ask for favours and ply you with work and requests because the message you send allows them to do this. If you speak up when asked to do something you are not happy with then others will be able to understand and respect your needs and limits. You have to respect yourself by putting those boundaries in place before you can expect others to respect you.
(3)Too much energy is put in too few rewards
In a relationship with unhealthy boundaries or no boundaries, like feeling responsible for other’s happiness: it feels like too much energy is being put in with too few rewards. This is because in this relationship you are doing the work, you are trying to please the other party and too little of that positive emotional energy is being reciprocated. The relationship becomes unbalanced and suffers.
You may also feel physically exhausted as your emotional and physical reserves are being depleted, with no functioning ‘top up’ system to replace these reserves
(4)Feeling guilty when you say ‘No’ and meaning ‘No’ when you say ‘Yes’
If you feel guilty all the time when you are honest about your feelings or you are always trying to hide your Nos in the yeses (people pleasing) the down side is that you cannot be open to people when you feel repressed by them and your frustration will show through passive aggression and resentment…
passive aggression could be in the form of sharp comments, cracking sarcastic jokes or make some subtle actions that let a little of your negative feelings seep out( like doing a favour half-heartedly). It may come out as an unexpectedly strong outburst to something seemingly minor.
Stress and depression is another downside to people pleasing… Remember stress is having more demands that you can handle… If you have the constant feeling like you are too busy and doing everything for everyone else but yourself…. People Pleasing can turn into a vicious cycle of chronic stress and unhealthy behaviours
(5)An unhealthy relationship leads to co-dependency
Without healthy boundaries or with very weak boundaries, you simply cannot have healthy relationships. You give up a part of yourself to be available or accommodating. Or you become so entangled with another person and their needs (co-dependent behaviour) that you lose your own identity.
(6)Loss of identity
Acting against your integrity or values in order to please, not speaking up when you have something to say, Adopting another person’s beliefs or ideas so you are accepted. Not defining and communicating your emotional needs in your closest relationships can lead to loss of identity…
An enmeshed boundary can be summarised as follows: it feels like you are an extension of someone else. The other person makes the decisions; you go along with it. The other person makes demands; you meet these demands.
In a relationship with unhealthy boundaries or enmeshed boundaries your behaviour or opinion is seen as a direct reflection on the other person. You do not have the freedom of behaving according to your beliefs as your beliefs have to be those of the other person in the enmeshed relationship. Your behaviour has to meet with the approval of this other person. It is as if the other person is in control of your life and for various reasons you do not feel like you can stand up to this person. Often when there are unhealthy boundaries.
When you have weak personal boundaries, every act of compliance, self-denial, or neediness chips away at your self-respect and the respect that others have for you. You are in a constant state of insecurity.
The sad irony is that we set weak boundaries believing our behaviour will win the love and respect of others. And other people will certainly take advantage of this willing nature. But their respect for you will diminish over time, undermining the love you hoped to maintain.
“The willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life is the source from which self-respect springs.” ~Joan Didion
Food for thought
Setting healthy boundaries means that you make the decision to be your own person, you learn to say ‘No’ when you are asked to do something which goes above and beyond and would mean losing track of your own identity.
You stand up for your personal rights to make decisions without the undue influence of friends and relatives.
If you cannot go shopping with your mother because you have other important plans then you do not allow yourself to be convinced to change these plans, you stand your ground and offer your mother an alternate date.
Having a healthy boundary in a relationship means that each individual is able to be whole and separate from the other. Time together is enjoyed as it is not seen as a duty. Effort is put into the relationship and reciprocated because both parties feel respected and appreciated. If the other person chooses to have different views to yours then this is accepted, it is not seen as a reflection on you as the person is separate from you.
There is nothing wrong in saying NO (Healthy boundaries) Finale
Healthy boundaries which are the imaginary lines we draw around ourselves to maintain balance and protect our bodies, minds, emotions, and time from the behaviour or demands of others.
They provide the framework to keep us from being used or manipulated by others, and they allow us to confidently express who we are and what we want in life.
Personal boundaries allow us to be in the driver’s seat of our own lives. I also defined the 5 types of personal boundaries which are physical. Mental, Spiritual, sexual, emotional… I also mentioned the effects of poor boundaries: Resentment, lose of self-respect, frustration and many more.
(1)Change your perception
Begin with changing your perception that having personal boundaries is OK. It doesn’t mean you are selfish or unloving. It is both completely acceptable and absolutely necessary for healthy relationships. Understand that self-worth comes from defining your life as you want it to be, not from the acceptance or identity of others.
Sit down and reflect on how you have been allowing others to take advantage of you and how you might be accepting situations that are really unacceptable to you. Make a list of things that people may no longer do to you, say to you, or do around you. Decide how you need physical and emotional space. Define your values, belief system, and outlook on life so you have a clear picture of who you are and how you want to live. Get very clear on that.
(3)Tune into your feelings
Two key feelings in yourself that are red flags or cues that you are letting go of your boundaries are: discomfort and resentment.
Resentment usually “comes from being taken advantage of or not appreciated.” It’s often a sign that you are pushing yourself either beyond your own limits because you feel guilty (and want to be a good daughter or wife, for instance), or someone else is imposing their expectations, views or values on you. When someone acts in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, that’s a cue that they may be violating or crossing a boundary
(4)Learn how to say NO
Rather than avoid it altogether like not picking your calls or avoiding the person, it’s all about learning the right way to say no.
(a)If you are too busy to entertain a request or offer… Let the person know your plate is full at the time, so he/she can hold off on this as well as future requests. You can reply by saying… “I can’t commit to this as I have other priorities at the moment.”
(b) Its common to get sudden requests for help when you are in the middle of something you can reply by saying “Now’s not a good time as I’m in the middle of something. How about we reconnect at so, so and so time?”
(C) Another gentle way of breaking “NO” to a person is by replying “I’d love to do this, but …” It’s encouraging as it lets the person know you like the idea (of course, only say this if you do like it) and there’s nothing wrong about it.
(d) If you are interested but you don’t want to say ‘yes’ just yet, you can reply by saying “Let me think about it first and I’ll get back to you.” This is more like a “Maybe” than a straight out “No”.
(e) If someone is pitching a deal/opportunity which isn’t what you are looking for, let him/her know straight-out that it doesn’t meet your needs you can reply by saying “This doesn’t meet my needs now but I’ll be sure to keep you in mind.” Otherwise, the discussion can drag on longer than it should.
(f) The simplest and most direct way to say no is saying “No, I can’t.” We build up too many barriers in our mind to saying no. these barriers are self-created and they are not true at all. Don’t think so much about saying no and just say it outright politely. You’ll be surprised when the reception isn’t half as bad as what you imagined it to be.
(5)Make self-care a priority.
Make self-care a priority, which also involves giving yourself permission to put yourself first. When we do this, “your need and motivation to set boundaries become stronger; Self-care also means recognizing the importance of your feelings and honouring them. These feelings serve as “important cues about your wellbeing and about what makes you happy and unhappy.” Putting yourself first also gives you the “energy, peace of mind and positive outlook to be more present with others and be there” for them.” And “When you are in a better place, you can be a better wife, mother, husband, co-worker or friend.”
Of course, we know that it’s not enough to create boundaries; we actually have to follow through. Even though we know intellectually that people aren’t mind readers, we still expect others to know what hurts us, since they don’t, it’s important to assertively communicate with the other person when they’ve crossed a boundary. In a respectful way, let the other person know what in particular is bothersome to you and that you can work together to address it.
Like any new skill, assertively communicating your boundaries takes practice. Start with close friends, family members and kids … If you have had weak personal boundaries for years, be aware that this change doesn’t happen overnight. Disengaging from the emotions and beliefs that led you to weak boundaries requires practice, and sometimes it requires the support of a counsellor. Remember it is a journey…
Believe in yourself and your value as a unique individual who is worthy of love and respect. Trust your instincts and feelings about what you do and don’t want in your life. No one knows better than you who you are and what you desire. Don’t allow others to define that for you. Practice self-confidence and self-love until it feels natural. Setting and requiring boundaries is a great way to practice this.
Food for thought
When you define and implement personal boundaries in your life, you will find that fear diminishes significantly. You will feel more empowered and self-confident because you are communicating your self-worth to those around you. The more you practice holding fast to your boundaries, the more love, respect, and support you will find in your life.
What does it mean to set healthy boundaries?
Think of boundaries as rules and principles you live by when you say what you will or won’t do or allow in your life. Life can’t exist without boundaries, even with your nearest and dearest like your kids, partners, parents and so on…..
If you have difficulty saying no, override your needs to please others,bothered by someone who is demanding, controlling, criticizing, pushy, abusive, invasive, pleading, or even smothering you with kindness, allowing or enduring unwanted touch, it’s your responsibility to speak up. Everyone has experienced boundary violations and this is why this topic is important for all of us
Healthy boundaries are meant to help us find safety. It outlines where our mental, emotional, physical space ends, and where another person’s may begin.
When we have healthy boundaries, we take responsibility for our needs, thoughts, and feelings, and we allow others to have their own needs, thoughts, and feelings, without taking responsibility or needing to somehow change them. When we honour our boundaries, we set limits, and take adult responsibility for our experiences.
Why should you care about healthy boundaries?
Setting boundaries is essential if we want to be both physically and emotionally healthy. Strong boundaries help maintain balance, self-respect and allow us to be interdependent in intimate relationships and life in general. A lack of boundaries is like leaving the door to your home wide open, anyone, including welcome and un-welcome guests can walk in without hesitation. Having rigid boundaries leads to loneliness and isolation and is akin to living in a fortress with no opening in sight.
Types of personal boundaries:
Physical boundaries can include your body, your home, your work space, your purse or wallet etc.
These are the literal lines we draw when it comes to our physical interaction with others.
This could be about physically touching someone (a hug, hand shake, physical proximity when talking, etc.).
But also about the rules we have when spending time with someone (where, how long, and what to do or not do). It could be us determining if and how we will share our physical body and presence with others.
Examples: “It is not ok with me that you treat me this way”, “I am not ok being around you if you are going to behave this way”, or ” I do not feel comfortable sitting this close.”
Can we allow others to have their chosen spiritual life (or lack thereof), without feeling the need to change them, convince them of their wrongness, be aggressive, force, manipulate or judge them to see things differently?
When spiritual boundaries are weak or non existence it is so easy to engage with people or a person and get into an argument that you cannot win, or even be persuaded or manipulated into their belief system that may not be best for you. To have good spiritual boundaries you won’t need to be manipulated into a belief. You will learn more about it and decide whether this is something important to you.
Protecting your spiritual beliefs can be simply deciding who you talk to about your beliefs and spiritual practices how you allow others to interact with you regarding your/their beliefs.
The spiritual boundaries we set for ourselves begins with our core values. These core values create who we are and what we do on a daily basis. Our true identity is built by what we decide we are going to believe over a lifetime. These central beliefs shape our choices in jobs, fun and even our mate.
These areas of boundaries protect our feelings. Our emotional boundaries include how we allow others to treat us, whether our emotions are respected & honoured, and how we treat others in return. This area of boundaries is also about protecting how others talk to us individually (name calling/put downs).
Healthy emotional boundaries serve two very good purposes. They keep us from imposing our emotions on other people, dumping endlessly on anyone who will listen to us (and then regretting it later). Emotional boundaries help us handle our feelings in appropriate ways.
Emotional boundaries also keep us from taking on the emotions of others who are spewing their emotional garbage… It also what protect us from being manipulated by others through guilt and shame and fear. They help us not take on responsibility for someone else’s emotions.
This defines our thoughts and opinions allowing us to choose what we think about and to stop ourselves from thinking about other things. Additionally, as we form opinions, we have freedom in how we analyse a situation, what information we integrate into this assessment, and what our resulting opinion will be. Regardless of whether or not someone agrees with our opinion, it is ours to have and creates a distinction between us and someone else in our lives. Maintaining your own opinion or value about something is one of the components that make you a unique and distinct person. These boundaries also enable us to reject thoughts and opinions being forced on us that are contrary to our belief system.
When you are talking to another person with intact mental boundaries, you can share opinions back and forth and have great discussions. No one feels forced to agree with the other person. No one is told their ideas are silly or stupid. However, there are forceful people who are not content to simply share ideas, or have a meeting of the minds. Instead, they (overtly or covertly) demand that you agree with them. They don’t even like it if you “agree to disagree.”
Sexual boundaries include boundaries about your sexuality, body, who touches you intimately (or how they touch you), comments that are sexual in nature, what your level of comfortability is with sexual behaviours, and how comfortable you feel touching others. Sometimes we tend to think of sexual boundary violations as simply being coerced into sexual behaviours against our will. While this is one aspect of a sexual boundary being violated, other examples include: someone making sexual innuendos or comments that feel inappropriate, uncomfortable, or disrespectful; sexual glances or having someone look at you in a sexual way that feels uncomfortable; being sexualized or objectified in the workplace or by a friend or stranger; having a working relationship with a professional (doctor, therapist, or health care professional) who uses the intimate nature of the professional relationship to lure a client into a sexual relationship, having a sexual partner coerce you into sexual acts that you feel uncomfortable with; or receiving sexual emails, text messages or phone calls that are inappropriate and suggestive sexually. These are only a few of the many ways our boundaries can be violated sexually.
Food for thought
“Good fences make good neighbours.” Frost’s poem Mending Wall
Has self-doubt ever stopped you from doing something you longed to do?
That little voice in your head kept whispering…
“Who are you to even try to accomplish that?”
Whether you wanted to run a marathon, start a business, or go for a promotion, that little voice kept nagging at you that you’re not good enough.
But even before giving myself the chance, the soundtrack began to loop, and self-doubt kicked in.
“There’s no way you could be successful. Who are you to even try to do this?”
Use the following tips to fight back the self-doubt monster and reclaim your confidence today.
1. Recognise that What You’re Feeling Is Self-Doubt
You can’t get rid of something until you recognise that it’s there.
If you won’t admit that the main reason you’re not making your dreams happen is because you doubt yourself, you’ll struggle to break the habit. What may seem like an obstacle is most likely your self-doubt monster rearing its ugly head to justify why you can’t or shouldn’t do something
You must be mindful of how you feel. You must face the truth. By recognizing that self-doubt is holding you back, not your busy schedule, you’re one step closer to rediscovering your self-confidence.
2. Create a Self-Doubt Response System
Self-doubt is a negative emotion. Like any emotion, certain actions, ideas or frustrations can trigger it. For many, an idea that requires expertise they don’t yet have can trigger feelings of self-doubt and create a roadblock that seems insurmountable.
When you get overwhelmed or stressed, giving up can be easier than pushing through.
Setting up a system to deal with self-doubt triggers will help you recognize both the cause and solution to your self-doubt.
3. Rewire Your Brain
Old habits die hard, so remaining static is easier than working toward something. That’s why you likely find it easier to accept the negative thoughts that your self-doubt creates. To turn your self-doubt into a positive force, you must first be aware of your negative thoughts and then redirect them over time.
Consistency is key.
Every time you catch yourself thinking that you can’t do something or that you’re not good enough or smart enough, acknowledge those thoughts, and consciously replace them with the opposite as many times as it takes.
Eventually, your brain will default to positive thinking, turning every “can’t” into a “can” and every “won’t” into a “will.”
4. Show Self-Doubt that It’s Wrong
When we let self-doubt take over, we make excuses for our inability to realize our true potential. We use these excuses to prove our self-doubts right by not even trying to achieve anything worthwhile at all. In other words, we procrastinate and hide from the world until we are forced to take action, and then once we act we struggle to give it our best shot. So what can be done? The next step to eliminating self-doubt is to prove it wrong. It’s time to set your plans in motion and work toward small successes.
5. Use Other People’s Doubts as Motivational Fuel
It’s hard enough to change the way you think about yourself, let alone change the opinions of those around you tooWhen people don’t understand your journey, can’t relate to how you’re feeling, or don’t like your ideas, they may be quick to doubt you. But don’t take it personally. Most people only doubt you when you reflect a specific characteristic that they doubt in themselves. You’re simply a living, breathing reminder of their own self-doubts. Be kind, but don’t take what they say at face value.
6. Create a Positive Mantra (And Put it on Repeat)
Everyone needs a pep talk every now and then, so be your own cheerleader when putting your self-doubt to rest.
If you want to start a business, remember that kids have started businesses – and with less than you have.Create a mantra for yourself that shuts down the self-doubt. Your self-doubt is only as strong as you allow it to be.
What would you add to the list? What do you do to motivate yourself. Let’s talk ..
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